Sometimes I say it this way: there’s ontological forgiveness, mental forgiveness, and relational forgiveness. It’s important to distinguish between the three, though obviously, there’s much overlap. (From Substack Post here…)
Ontological Forgiveness
Ontology has to do with being. In this sense, ontological forgiveness is a fact about reality. It’s independent of anyone’s feelings or actions. This is forgiveness that’s already true. No matter what. It exists because love exists. Love is the place from which we and all people (and all things) emerge. As someone interested in orienting my life around love, I suspect ontological forgiveness is simply metaphysical truth. Much transactional religion wants to spell forgiveness as “do.” Forgiveness rooted in love as a state of being spells it as “done.”
Mental Forgiveness
Everyone knows what this is like; it’s when you play and replay the offense over in your mind — think about the way you were hurt, hit pause, rewind, and play it all over again. Mental forgiveness is refusing to hit play again. It’s difficult, but the good news is you don’t need anyone’s permission to do it. And you don’t necessarily need anyone’s assistance (or interference). Of course, it might take a counselor, friend, or loved one to help you find the strength to do it well. Ultimately, this is you doing the internal work of deciding to be someone who doesn’t allow the old loop to keep playing.
Relational Forgiveness
Relational forgiveness is the trickiest. Because, well, it involves relationships; other people. And you cannot control other people (control = a great deal of the reason why forgiveness is needed in the first place).
Two ½ things:
1 - leaning into ontological forgiveness and pursuing mental forgiveness does not and will not automatically grant you relational forgiveness. Sometimes, the circumstances (i.e., your personality, blind spots, immaturity, biases, inabilities, etc.) are just going to create antagonism in other people that you can’t do anything about. You can ask for forgiveness, but if they don’t grant your request, you might be living in the awkwardness for a while. This is frustrating, defeating, sometimes really heartbreaking. But also, awkwardness is humbling. Something you can build upon and build with. Something that you will carry with you for a long time, maybe the rest of your life, to remind you that you’re not always going to get it right. And if you can carry it well (no small task), it can build character. How do you carry it well? Yes, good question. How do you carry it well. You should leave a comment.
1.5 - Let’s say you’re the one who’s realized your sins, you’re asking for forgiveness, and it’s granted. Great news. However, even if the other person is open to it, you can’t assume everything immediately goes back to “the way it was”. Forgiveness can happen in a moment but character, integrity, and trust takes time. And sometimes “the way it was” will never, ever happen again. Rebuilding is part of the work here. And you’ll be the one doing the bulk of that work. If you can make things right in some way, whether by paying back, repairing, or making amends, then do it. If you can’t, and you realize that some things are now permanently off limits, accept that too. Accepting it is part of owning it. Don’t even think about saying something like, “Hey, you’ve forgiven me, so now you have to forget.” Nope. They don’t have to do anything unless they choose. You’re building a life of consent here, not coercion.
2 - Flip it around a bit. Sometimes you’re the one who’s been hurt, and the other person won’t take responsibility. And while I think a healthy understanding of love sets the table for ontological forgiveness and encourages you to reach for mental forgiveness, you do not have to be with someone who refuses to own responsibility for their actions.
👉🏼 If someone has hurt you mentally, verbally, physically, sexually, or economically … you are not required to be in a relationship with them. You might choose to do so later, when you feel safe, after certain circumstances have been met, but love will not force you to be around someone manipulative, abusive, transactional, or coercive.
In such situations, the best you can do is to communicate clearly, set boundaries, create separation, and then live your life. And sometimes the best you can do is break all contact and remove yourself from the situation, maybe even get authorities involved, because if you’re in an unsafe situation, it’s really not your responsibility to keep trying to help that person see their sins, debts, or trespasses.
And if you do this one well, this too can build character. It could be something to build upon and build with. (To be clear, I’m not suggesting that this was what was needed in order for character to be built. It’s what happened, not what was needed.)
Forgiveness can be tricky. Relationships, too. A guy named Paul once said, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” That’s pretty good counsel. By faith, I believe a day is coming when love helps us live at peace with everyone. In the meantime, pursue it as best you can, but do so carefully. Sometimes people will look to take advantage of you. 🙏🏼
How about you? How has forgiveness played out in your life? In your organization?
